Original Air Date on September 20, 2010
What the hell is that?
Oh, sorry.
I set my alarm so I could go
home before Jake wakes up.
Turn it off!
I'm trying, but
my arm's asleep.
Aah. There. Whew.
I can't believe
you have a watch alarm.
Yeah, it's a Timex.
Well, a really
nice knockoff.
Even has indiglo.
See?
Oh! Oh, for God's sake,
it's 6:00 a.m.
Oh, I know, sorry.
We agreed we don't want
our kids to know about us.
Yeah, yeah, good-bye.
Bye.
Guess a little morning quickie
is out of the question.
If you can do it
without waking me up.
You're not really
thinking about it, are you?
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪
Dear Lord.
Charlie?
Huh?
You okay?
Sure.
Why do you ask?
'Cause... you're passed out on
the stairs.
Really?
Oh, that's not good.
How much did you have
to drink last night?
Let's see...
I don't know.
I wonder how I got my pants off
over my shoes.
Maybe you took your shoes off,
and then put them back on.
Think it through, Alan.
For what possible activity
would I need my pants off
and my shoes on?
I don't know.
Chasing a reluctant hooker?
Can't rule it out.
So... where have you been?
I was with Lyndsey.
Who's Lyndsey?
Eldridge's mom.
Who's Eldridge?
Jake's friend?
Jake is my son.
I know who Jake is.
What I don't know is
where my pants are.
Excuse me.
Guess who had
a Cobb salad for dinner.
Charming. I'm, uh,
I'm going to go lay down.
You know, Jake may not be the
brightest monkey in the meadow,
but even he's going to
eventually figure out
that you're banging
his buddy's mom.
Don't worry. I'll tell him
when the time is right.
And when is that?
When I'm sure
that Lyndsey and I
have built a solid relationship
that will last.
In the meantime,
I don't want to complicate his
friendship with Eldridge.
Lyndsey's son, right?
Right.
Ha!
Yeah. Yeah, very good.
The point is, I haven't
said anything to Jake because
in a lot of ways, he's
still a little boy.
He's not very sophisticated when
it comes to adult sexual...
...relationships.
Yours?
Alan, she's like, 16.
And... again I ask--
hoping I won't be
called to testify...
Yours?
No, she's coming
from Jake's room.
Why would a girl
be leaving Jake's room
at 7:00 in the morning?
Why do you think?
Oh, come on! He's 16!
Not everybody waits till they're
a junior in college, Alan!
A sophomore, and I still
wasn't emotionally ready.
Well, obviously your kid's
a little more advanced.
No. No, this
is unacceptable.
He and I are going to
have to have a little talk.
Maybe he can
give you some tips.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪
Unbelievable.
My little boy spent
the night with two girls.
Two so far.
What?
We don't have
a final tally.
There might be more
clowns in that car.
You think?
At this point,
anything's possible.
There's only one
way to find out.
Hang on, hang on.
Come here.
Let's think
this through.
What is there to think through?
The possibility of my son
hosting an orgy?
Now, not to be a stickler,
but technically an orgy requires
a minimum of six participants.
What?
It goes... masturbation,
one-on-one, threesome,
two couples swinging,
two couples swinging
with a looky-loo, orgy's six.
It frightens me
that you know that.
Everybody knows that.
Well, whatever you call it, it
needs to be nipped in the bud.
Now we're talking three girls
and a guy named Bud.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you gonna do?
Punish him?
Well, what do you want me
to do? Give him a merit badge?
Well, it is quite
an accomplishment.
This is not funny, Charlie!
Hey, I'm not laughing.
The kid's doing
better than I am.
I woke up on
the stairs alone.
Oh, you're up.
These were in the mailbox.
What the hell were they
doing in the mailbox?
I don't know, but
there's postage on 'em.
Well, I clearly had
a plan of some kind.
What's everybody
doing up so early?
We just saw two girls
sneaking out of Jake's room.
Two?
Two.
Taterhead had a threesome?
We don't know that.
Maybe they were having an
all-night study session.
My God, he had a threesome.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Hungry?
Yep.
Thirsty?
Mm-hmm.
Proud?
What?
Ignore him.
So, what'd you wind
up doing last night?
Nothin'.
Nothing, you say.
So, just an evening
alone in your room.
Pretty much.
Quiet? Uneventful?
Boring?
I guess.
Nothing I have
to clean up?
Nope. Wait... I did
have a sandwich in bed.
I knew it!
What are you talking about?
We saw the girls, Jake.
Well, this is awkward.
Two hotties, sneaking out of
your room. Up top, little stud!
Charlie!
This does not call
for a high-five.
You're right.
It's hugging time.
Come here, you dog.
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it.
I want to know what those
girls were doing in your room.
He told you: They were
making a sandwich.
Would you please?!
I am waiting for an answer.
All right. Their names
were Tiffany and Joanne,
and they're from my school
and they're into surfing.
Terrific. So what were
they doing in your room!?
Hey, chill!
I'm gettin' to it.
Yeah, chill!
He's gettin' to it.
They were going to
sleep in their car so
they could hit the waves
as soon as the sun came
up, and I said they
could crash here.
So...
nothing happened?
No, we're just friends.
I slept on the floor.
Aww...
Aww...
This is not "Aww."
This is "Yay!"
Yay.
Yay.
So when I asked you about
last night, why did you lie?
It's usually
the simpler path.
And, and why didn't you
ask permission
before asking
your friends over?
You weren't around.
Where were you,
by the way?
I went to the gym.
A little, little cardio, uh,
spinning class,
light weights, uh,
you know, I'm just into
maintenance, not bulking up.
Don't find that attractive.
I prefer the lean, mean
swimmer's body.
You know, like...
Jesus.
Nice, Alan.
Drag our Lord into it.
Anyway, you still
could've called me.
Or-Or asked your uncle.
You didn't answer your phone,
and Uncle Charlie was busy
trying to mail his pants.
Oh good, good,
you saw that.
Did I happen to mention
why I was doing it?
Nope.
And you didn't ask?
Over the years I've learned
to look the other way.
All right, all right, let's...
let's not get off-track here.
The important thing is
that if you're gonna
have company,
you give one of us a heads-up.
Fine.
Oh, hey, look.
There's a note in my pocket.
"Dear Inspected By Number 94...
"It is with a heavy heart
that I write to you.
"The zipper you signed off
on has snagged my ball sack.
"Thank you for your prompt
attention to this matter.
Sincerely yours,
Charles Francis Harper."
Well, that explains
the blood in my shorts.
I hope.
I've got a
little surprise for you!
Well, I've got a--
what I'm told is a perfectly
adequate surprise for you.
You like?
Oh, yes.
Your surprise has greatly
enhanced my surprise.
Oh, is that whipped cream, or
are you planning to shave me?
I mean, y'know,
I'm fine either way.
It's whipped cream, Alan.
Oh, okay. Uh, fat-free?
'Cause I'm trying
to cut down.
Relax. You're not going to
be the one licking it up.
Oh!
Well, bon appetit.
Ma!
Damn.
Eldridge! Why aren't
you in school?
It's a half day!
Teachers' conference.
How come I didn't
know about that?
I don't know.
Jake's gonna
stay for dinner, okay?
Uh... did he ask his dad?
Yes, Mrs. MacElroy,
he said it's fine.
No, he didn't, he's
totally lying!
Shh!
He's been lying
a lot lately.
Boy, you try to bring a
kid up with some values.
Hand me a tissue,
will you?
The whipped cream's
dripping into my crack.
Okay.
Want some pie?
Sure. Got any
whipped cream?
Usually we do.
I don't see it.
Man, we go through a lot of
whipped cream in this house.
Was that my dad?
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪
Hi.
Hello.
Did you know Rottweilers
are attracted
to the scent
of whipped cream?
Matter of fact,
I did know that.
Mmm.
I just
learned it.
Mmm.
Jake almost
caught me
sneaking out of
Lyndsey's house.
Really?
Close call.
One question.
Yeah?
Whose idea was it to
spice things up
with a large dog?
The dog was not
with us in bed.
The dog was
being walked
by a nine-year-old girl
who was not quite capable
of holding onto the leash
when he got
a whiff of
my non-fat,
dairy-scented crotch.
Okay. Okay.
I'm not judging,
but why was a nine-year-
old girl walking her dog
through
Lyndsey's bedroom?
No. The girl
was on the street
with the dog.
Oh.
Hmm.
All right,
another question.
I was on the street
'cause I was sneaking
out of Lyndsey's house.
Ah!
You know, for
such a boring guy,
you lead a very
complicated life.
Yeah, it's a
paradox, isn't it?
Iced tea?
I decided when you
try to mail your pants
to a garment
inspector in Malaysia,
it's time to
quit drinking.
Some might say that
day came and went
when you gave
yourself that haircut.
But good for you.
Yep.
Long overdue.
You want a beer?
You just said
you were quitting.
I did. And I am.
My drinking
days are over.
See?
Beer.
Hello?
Uh... uh... in here!
Ixnay on the
ottweiler-Ray!
What?
The oggy-day who tried
to ite-bay my alls-bay.
Hey, buddy!
I'm not
your buddy.
What?
I just came to
get my stuff.
I'm staying with Mom
and Herb from now on.
Why?
I saw you sneaking out
of Eldridge's house.
Oh, Alan, no!
Are you crazy, having sex
with my best friend's mom?
Shame on you!
I had no
idea, Jake.
I, I, I, I was
gonna tell you,
you know, eventually.
You're such a liar.
Oh, oh, oh, <i>I'm</i> a liar?
What were you doing at
Eldridge's in the first place?
You certainly didn't
ask permission from me!
Attaboy.
Trying to take
the high road
with a crotch full of whipped
cream and dog spittle.
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪
Ah.
You know, I feel a lot better
since I've stopped drinking.
Yeah, we're all
proud of you.
I have
more energy,
I'm certainly
more clear-headed.
In fact, the
only downside is
I might have to put a
chip clip on my johnson
to keep from
peeing my pants.
I really screwed up, Charlie.
I should've been honest
with Jake from the beginning.
Just told him I was
seeing his friend's mother.
Or, you could've not slept
with his friend's mother
in the first place.
Really?
You're going to preach
sexual restraint to me?
Let me explain
something to you, Alan.
Jake expects me
to betray his trust.
You, on the other hand, are
held to a higher standard.
Is that so?
It is!
You're like some
kind of right-wing,
pro-family
values senator,
caught on his knees
in an airport toilet
with a
male hooker.
Whereas I am a
well-known rascal.
When I don't do
the wrong thing,
people are
disappointed.
Is that supposed to
make me feel better?
No, the story was about me.
God, you're such
a narcissist.
You know what, I can't just
sit here and do nothing.
I owe Jake an apology.
You're going to Judith's?
I'll come with you.
Why?
Why?
You're my brother,
I want to support you.
Really?
Nah, I'm just outta beer.
But I do love that you
still fall for that.
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪
Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself.
I am. I haven't
had a drink all day.
She was talking
to me, Charlie,
and no, I'm not.
Okay, Millie's
finally asleep.
Ooh, is
that real beer?
Knock yourself out.
Oh, thanks! I'm gonna regret
this in the morning.
My God, Alan, I can't
believe you're sleeping
with Lyndsey MacElroy.
You're sleeping with
Lyndsey MacElroy?
My man!
How could
you do that?
Yeah, how?
Don't leave
anything out.
Well, it just happened.
Her son and Jake are friends,
which is how we met,
and we, you know, hit it off.
You don't sleep with
your son's friend's mother.
No, no.
You marry his pediatrician.
He's got you
there, sweetie.
You know, there's
a rumor going around
that Lyndsey was in
a soft-core porn movie
before she got married.
Really? Which one?
I don't know, but I've
been checking Cinemax
every night for months.
Oh, I love their stuff.
It's classy, right?
A little story,
nice lighting,
and you never have to
see the guy's junk.
What is
wrong with you?
You don't like seeing
that stuff, either.
I think that's
enough beer, sweetheart.
I'll get Jake.
There you go, pal.
Thanks, but you heard her.
I've had enough.
Boy, oh, boy,
Lyndsey MacElroy.
You are one lucky ducky.
Yeah, she's very beautiful.
You know, sometimes
I drive past her house
and she's out watering her
lawn in her shorty shorts
and her halter top.
Cowabunga!
No one wants
to talk to him,
but he's your father.
Oh, hey, buddy.
What do
you want?
What I want is to apologize
for not telling you about
me and Eldridge's mom.
You know, this is
between you guys.
I'm just gonna go
take a hot shower.
Eldridge doesn't want to
be friends with me anymore.
Oh, I am so sorry.
But, but this can't
be the first time
something like this
has happened.
I mean, how many times
has your Uncle Charlie
slept with
somebody you knew?
Yeah, but I expect
that from him.
See, Alan? I'm Teflon.
You're a perv,
is what you are.
And it's not just that
you were sleeping with her,
it's that you
lied to me about it.
You're right.
I should've told
you the truth.
And, and Lyndsey
should've told Eldridge.
But when it happened, we didn't
know if it would even last.
I just don't like you
keeping things from me.
That's fair, and, and,
and I'll make you a deal.
From now on, I will be
open and honest with you
and you'll do
the same with me.
Deal?
I guess.
Thanks.
I have to go
finish my homework.
Okay. So, uh... I'll
see you this weekend?
Sure.
Great.
Love you, buddy.
Don't push it, Dad.
You're lucky
he's so forgiving.
Takes after his mom, huh?
Um, you know,
we should go.
I gotta pee.
You mind, Judith?
Just try to hit
the bowl this time.
Don't worry, I only miss
when I've been drinking.
I'll wait in the car.
Hey, Judith?
Is there surfing
around here?
What are you talking about?
We're 20 miles
from the beach.
That's what I thought.
I am so proud of that kid.
♪ <i>Men.</i> ♪
Isn't this nice?
The four of us sitting
down, having dinner.
Open.
Honest.
No secrets.
Yeah.
Thrilling.
So, Jake, your dad tells me
you're getting into
the surfing scene?
What do you mean?
You know, uh,
Tiffany and Joanne.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Tiffany and Joanne surf?
Yes, Eldridge.
They surf.
Charlie? Would you
like some pizza?
No, thanks.
I'm kinda on a health kick.
Didn't you tell me
he quit drinking?
He actually thinks he did.
Hello?
Oh, hey, Herb!
S'up?
Really?
Right now?
Hang on.
Are you sure?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Lyndsey?
Hmm?
Never mind.
You're right, it's her!
Okay, Herb. Thanks.
Great. Have a nice shower.
Boy, she sure does
like the whipped cream.
-- Sync, corrected by <font color="#00ff00">elderman</font> --
-- for <font color=00FFFF>www.addic7ed.com</font> --